Pro Blogger exposed as Google Android

At approximately 4.00 am PST this morning police teams raided the Richmond home of popular pro blogger John Chow. After a fierce gun battle, in which amazingly no one was injured, John Chow fled the area in a dark grey Pagani Zonda.

A few hours later Richmond police chief, Billy Bob Doughnut, issued the following statement,

Acting on information given to us by Google officials we attempted this morning to apprehend the pro blogger John Chow. It can now be revealed that John Chow is, in fact, a synthetic life form, a Google Android, created years ago by Google to help promote their Goggle Adsense program. The John Chow Google Android escaped from his home despite police attempts to deactivate him. We believe he is fleeing to Europe and will release further information as and when appropriate.

A further explanation of this bizarre situation was released soon afterwards in a press statement from Google,

Google created the John Chow Google Android as a promotional tool. We knew that our Google Adsense program would not become popular unless we could persuade the public that it could make them rich. Since, in reality, no one has ever got rich from the program we decided to construct a lifelike cyborg, codenamed Google Android Once the Google Android had been developed and tested we changed the name to John Chow since we needed a friendly name to ensure the public did not suspect anything. Driving traffic to the John Chow Google Android blog was easy. We developed a system in which he could offer rewards for inbound links with the link text “make money online”. The John Chow Google Android was programed to grow traffic, talk about how easy it was to get rich with our Adsense program, and persuade people to sign up for Adsense. Before long the John Chow Google Android blog was receiving a massive amount of traffic and generating an equally massive amount of money for us, all from the people he persuaded to sign up for our Adsense program. Of course, it didn’t make them any money, just us. Rumors began to circulate about a Google Android project but, to counter this, we leaked false information about a new mobile platform, called Google Android, to throw people off the scent. It worked perfectly.

The statement continued, with more revelations, including sensitive information about other pro Google bloggers being Google Sleeper Androids,

Everything was good. The Adsense program was secure and very successful. But then it happened. The John Chow Google Android became independently self aware and began to promote other advert networks in an attempt to grow his own private income. It became necessary to cut his traffic so we changed his Google Page Rank in an attempt to stop him. The John Chow Google Android depended on Google Juice, a mixture of proteins and amino acids, to keep him alive. This Google Juice was administered to the John Chow Google Android via a tube at the base of his spine once a day. The more traffic his blog got the higher the dose required to keep him active and able to carry out routine blog maintenance such as moderating the comments. We figured that cutting his traffic would cut his Google Juice and slowly he would cease to function. This failed and the John Chow Google Android soon amassed a personal fortune, finding alternative sources of nutrition. Google Sleeper Androids, our secret eyes and ears in the blogosphere had been reporting disturbing events for some time, including a strange obsession with photographing food. Further intelligence revealed that the John Chow Google Android was planning world domination. We couldn’t let that happen since it would conflict with our own plans for global supremacy so we informed the FBI and a plan was put in motion. The failed police raid earlier today was the culmination of that plan.

Upstart Blogger has received further information confirming the identities of two Google Sleeper Androids, codenamed Agent Rowse and Agent Shoemoney. Disturbingly, Agent Rowse and Agent Schoemaker, persuaded the John Chow Google Android to reveal his plans whilst heavily disguised as booth babes at various shows and events.

According to private sources there are a total of seven Google Sleeper Agents. With two revealed as Agent Rowse and Agent Schoemaker, the identity of the final five remains a mystery.

With the John Chow Google Android currently on his way to Europe, Interpol have been informed and the hunt is on. Head of British intelligence agency MI6, Sir Digby Chicken Ceasar, was secretly recorded whilst talking to his dog this morning,

Don’t worry, we’ll catch the blighter, working with the French police we’ve got a trap set up for him in a Paris tunnel. It uses a top secret light gun that will blind and disorientate the driver of any vehicle we point it at, we used it a few years back when we had some trouble with Johny Foreigner trying to get his hands on the Monarchy, just keep it under your hat though, there’s a good chap.

So, you have been warned. The John Chow Google Android has escaped and should be considered extremely dangerous. He could have changed his appearance but can be spotted easily since he repeats phrases like “make money online with my affiliate program”, “I make money online telling people how much money I make online” and his personal favorite, only before heard in private, “I get rich by making you think you can get rich”.

If you see him, or hear him, do not approach him. The John Chow Google Android may become aggressive if cornered. If you are forced into a confrontation with him try to produce plates of food. This will cause him to take photographs of the food and become distracted, giving you an opportunity to escape.

Please pass this information on to your friends and family, submit it to the social networks and bookmarking services of your choice. Hopefully, if we all work together, we can stop the John Chow Google Android before it’s too late.

Ashley Morgan is a UK jazz trumpet player and owner of independent record label 447 Records. Ashley Morgan is the trumpet player with Enormous.